1) Project Manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.
2) Developer is a person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; They'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
And lastly...
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Baby's Delivery according to Corporate World
Thursday, January 13, 2011
How to Spot an Indian..
* Everything you eat is savoured with garlic, onions and chillies.
* You try and re-use gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminium foil.
* You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the airport.
* You arrive one or two hours late to a party, and think it's normal.
* You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.
* Your toilet has a plastic bowl next to the commode.
* All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
* You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
* You load up the family car with as many people as possible.
* You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch .
* You live with your parents even if you are 40 years old. (And they like it that way).
* If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel it's your duty to spread the word.
* You only make long distance calls after 11pm.
* If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
* When your parents meet Indian for the first time and talk for a few minutes, you soon discover they are your relatives.
* Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs while talking.
* You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.
* It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.
* You list your daughter as "fair and slim" in the matrimonial no matter what she looks like.
* You're alw ays interested to know/interfere in others' personal matters, what they are doing, where they are going, etc.
* You have really enjoyed reading this mail because you know some, or most of them, applies to you!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Good Corn
Each year he entered his corn in the state fair where it won honour and prizes.
One year a newspaper reporter interviewed him and learnt something interesting about how he grew it.
The reporter discovered that the farmer shared his seed corn with his neighbors.
"How can you afford to share your best seed corn with your neighbors when they are entering corn in competition with yours each year?" the reporter asked.
"Why sir," said the farmer, "didn't you know? The wind picks up pollen from the ripening corn and swirls it from field to field.
If my neighbors grow inferior, sub-standard and poor quality corn, cross-pollination will steadily degrade the quality of my corn.
If I am to grow good corn, I must help my neighbours grow good corn."
The farmer gave a superb insight into the connectedness of life. His corn cannot improve unless his neighbour's corn also improves.
So it is in other dimensions! Those who choose to be at harmony must help their neighbours and colleagues to be at peace,
those who choose to live well must help others to live well, for the value of a life is measured by the lives it touches.
And those who choose to be happy must help others to find happiness for the welfare of each is bound up with the welfare of all.
If we are to grow good quality corn, we must help our neighbors grow good quality corn too....
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Pregnant Blonde
The other day my blonde neighbor came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy, but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy!"
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her,
"That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
I asked her how she knew?
She said.... "Well, that was the easy part.
I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.
Both tests came out positive!"
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Some Interesting Facts
Here are some interesting, but true facts, that you may or may not have known.
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The Statue of Liberty's index finger is eight feet long
Rain has never been recorded in some parts of the Atacama Desert in Chile
A 75 year old person will have slept about 23 years.
A boeing 747's wing span is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.(the Wright brother's invented the airplane)
There are as many chickens on earth as there are humans.
One type of hummingbird weighs less than a penny
The word "set" has the most number of definitions in the English language;192
Slugs have four noses
Sharks can live up to 100 years
Mosquitos are more attracted to the color blue than any other color.
Kangaroos can't walk backwards
About 75 acres of pizza are eaten in in the U.S. everyday
The largest recorded snowflake was 15in wide and 8in thick. It fell in Montana in 1887
The tip of a bullwhip moves so fast that the sound it makes is actually a tiny sonic boom.
Former president Bill Clinton only sent 2 emails in his entire 8 year presidency
Koalas and humans are the only animals that have finger prints
There are 200,000,000 insects for every one human
It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery had in it to begin with.
The world's largest Montessori school is in India, with 26,312 students in 2002
Octopus have three hearts
If you ate too many carrots, you'd turn orange
The average person spends two weeks waiting for a traffic light to change.
1 in 2,000,000,000 people will live to be 116orold
The body has 2-3 million sweat glands
Sperm whales have the biggest brains; 20 lbs
Tiger shark embroyos fight each other in their mother's womb. The survivor is born.
Most cats are left pawed
250 people have fallen off the Leaning Tower of Pisa
A Blue whale's tongue weighs more than an elephant
You use 14 muscles to smile and 43 to frown. Keep Smiling!
Bamboo can grow up to 3 ft in 24 hours
An eyeball weighs about 1 ounce
Bone is five times stronger than steel.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Love VS Marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
Friday, December 24, 2010
99 Excuses for Skipping out of Work
Everyone needs a bit of extra time of occasionally, and all manner of outlandish excuses are given. Here is a list of 99 (mostly funny) excuses for getting out of work.
1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to pick on my kids.
5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.
11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.
13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend. (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).
14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
17. My truss snapped.
18. My support hose popped.
19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
20. I’m arranging financing for a house.
21. I’m arranging financing for a car.
22. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.
23. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
25. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.
26. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
27. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.
28. It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.
29. My back aches.
30. My stomach aches.
31. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
32. My biological clock is ticking.
33. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
34. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
35. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.
36. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
39. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.
40. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
41. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
42. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
43. I think I left the iron on.
44. I think I left the water on.
45. I think I left the refrigerator on.
46. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
47. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
48. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
49. I have to have my waistband let out.
50. I have to have my watchband let out.
51. I have to have my son’s rock band let out.
52. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
53. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
54. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
55. I’m having a root canal.
56. I’m having a tax audit.
57. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)
58. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
59. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
60. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home.
61. I have to renew my driver’s license.
62. I have to get new license plates.
63. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates.
64. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist.
65. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist.
66. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!
67. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
68. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
69. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
70. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
71. My rheumatism is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible tornado.
72. My arthritis is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible blizzard.
73. The pharaoh is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs.
74. I need to give blood.
75. I need to give evidence.
76. I need to give up.
77. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party.
78. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding.
79. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce. (We all knew it wouldn’t last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
80. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
81. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested.
82. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
83. I’m having my nails done.
84. I’m having my colors done.
85. I’m having my head examined.
86. I’m going to the bank.
87. I’m going to sleep.
88. I’m going over the edge.
89. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
90. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
91. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
92. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
93. I need to check into a rest home.
94. I’m breaking in my shoes.
95. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend.
96. I’m breaking out.
97. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
98. I have to pick out a car.
99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists. I thought I’d go to a ball game instead.
Source : Here
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Newton's laws of LOVE
First law:
A boy in love with a girl continues to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy continues to be in love with him, until and unless any external agent(brother or father of the girl) comes into play and breaks the legs of the boy.
Second law:
The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to his bank balance.
Third law:
The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals.
Universal law:
Love can neither be created nor be destroyed, it can only be transfered from one girlfriend to another girlfriend.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Send Unique Christmas E-Cards
Men are better friends
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Gibson Les Paul GT
No, that guitar’s not on fire. It’s a Gibson Les Paul GT -- and it’s supposed to look that way.
Before you notice anything else about the Les Paul GT, you’ll notice that flames. Those are transparent flames painted right on the body. Really. They’re hard to miss. Gibson were sort of going for a hot rod kind of thing. Lots of people think it didn’t work.
Whether you think it’s cool or rad or cheesy or creepy, the flames are about the only thing that makes this model look different from most other modern Les Paul, at least at first glance.
Introduced in 2006 and no longer in production, the GT is a Les Paul Standard with a few bits and pieces added in.
If you can get past the design, you’ll find a great electric guitar with everything you expect from a Gibson Les Paul.
The pickups, for example, are just you imagine they would be. The always-well-regarded 498T Alnice humbucker at the bridge is joined with its usual friend, the 490 humbucker, on the neck. A standard three-way switch is at the body’s top, and there are independent tone and volume controls for the two pickups -- making four knobs total.
Also as you expect from a Les Paul, it’s heavy. The neck is mahogany and is a regular 22-fret version with a 1950s look and feel. It has a mahogany body, a maple top, an ebony fretboard, some trapezoid inlays and a few other cosmetic features that don’t really do much to separate it from a Standard.
A dual truss rod setup makes the neck particularly stable, allowing this Les Paul to stand up to some stress.
But you don’t like those flames, do you?
You either like them or you hate them, and if you hate them, this isn’t the guitar for you -- unless, of course, you’re lucky enough to locate one of the 400 special ones -- Customs with fire engine red paint.
That’s right. Fire engine red. Not much better than the flames? Sorry.
But come on, people. It’s a Les Paul. And Gibson has to do something to get people to keep buying their electric guitars since just about every serious player in the world already has a couple of them. You can’t really blame them for trying out a flame design, can you?
Maybe you can, but you could still do a lot worse than the uniquely designed and somewhat upgraded guitar known as the Gibson Les Paul GT.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Woman (Ladies do not mind, please)
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Punctuation is powerful